haikusong (haikusong) wrote in dep_parents,

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-_- I am so dumb sometimes...

my guilt...over everything...I know now why I feel so much of it. I know it wasn't my fault, the things Mike did. I couldn't have known how bad he really was. My own Manson...sweet to the eyes and ears, but even Manson never lifted a hand to anyone. So...I know where my guilt comes from. At least now I do...

My childhood was horrible (who's wasn't?). But I vowed to never be the kind of parent mine were. I promised to be the opposite. I feel, rightly or wrongly, that I failed in keeping that promise. I exposed my children to danger. I wasn't there to protect them always. They were hurt by Mike and my relationship with him. So...I feel that as a parent I failed. I know...but I did leave, and I am protecting them now, right? But I made a promise, and I feel as if I didn't keep it. MAybe now, woth the realization of why I feel such incredible guilt always, I can begin to heal it.

I was thinking about it, because I was wondering atmy self-destructive behavior last night, and why I hate myself so much. There was a time in my life, before Mike, when I was independent, and proud, and happy. I didn't want, or wish, or hate myself.

I really think htis holiday season is bringing a lot of stuff up for me...1) because this is the exact time when Mike did all his most horrible things and changed my life into to what it is now...2)all my problems and heartbreaks with B have made me worry about my kids again...3)I went off my meds...(oops).

But...as far as my meds go....I NEVER needed them until Mike came along. I was living fine and happy and healthy. I had been left by my husband, and was depressed for quite a while after that, but I pulled through without meds, or self-mutilation, or anything like that. I was healthy.

And now....now I have dreams that keep me awake every night. Now I have hallucinations and paranoias during the day. Now I have had one psychotic episode, and been cutting on and off for 5 years. Now I am not myself anymore...

I am tired, and weepy...today is going to be a long day. I am going to my parents house, just so I won't be alone today....besides I need to get out of here.

I want to get my life back. And I will. Just not today...
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