haikusong (haikusong) wrote in dep_parents,

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Ramblings of utter nonsense

*sigh* My kids make me so nuts. Why does everything have to be a struggle with them? They are half my stress, I know. This battle with my illness doesn't help...I know that is part of the problem...I am inconsistent with them, and I know they need consistency. And so the cycle goes round and round...

I am trying so hard to pull myself together and understand my illness, and get well. Their dads don't help. One never comes around...like, ever, and the other one just says I am a complete fruitcake and bad mouths me. My kids are 11 and 14...they need a mom who can be there for them completely. Some days I fall so short. *sigh*

And some days I am resentful. Resentful that I cannot have the time I would like to nurture only myself, and help myself...I ony have so much energy to give right now, and most days it is directed towards my children. I love my kids more than anything...but I wish, sometimes, that I could have the time I need to make myself well...to go off and find myself, or heal myself. Even going to the hospital for a weekend is a huge deal because I have the stress of finding someone to take my kids, and then I have to worry about them while they are there. *sigh*

Every morning a truancy officer and a cop have to come to my house to drag my daughter off to school. I am glad they are so kind to me and so willing to help, but I am exhausted from dealing with it. Her mood swings are 10 times worse than mine, but she will not see a doctor, or take meds. I do not know anymore what to do with her, short of sending her off to a home, or something. *sigh*

I can feel the stress building up inside, and I am worried it is gonna blow.
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