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Depressed Parents

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Monday - January 13th, 2013 [14 Jan 2013|09:07pm]

Hi !!

It has been a couple of days since I have posted here.
I did get an email regarding purchasing "Health" Insurance - it was divided up into 3 sections and you picked the section that best suited you.
When I worked for a company that set appts for health insurance - there were some companies that thought they might pay the tax instead of offering their employees health insurance. They felt that it would be cheaper. There is more people without health insurance. It will be interested to see how it goes.

Have a good night !!!!!!
We cry together

January 5th, 2013 - Health Insurance Exchanges Go Online [05 Jan 2013|07:41pm]

[ mood | happy ]

Health Insurance Exchanges Go Online

The development of state-based health insurance exchanges may be the most interesting thing to watch this year. These virtual marketplaces will allow uninsured people and small businesses to
compare and enroll in health plans online. Through these exchanges will people learn if they qualify for federal tax subsidies to help cover the cost of insurance. According to the law, Exchanges must be up and running by Oct. 1, 2013. Time will tell if this can actually be done on time.

States were given the option to build their own exchanges and had until Dec. 14 to decide. Here is how the States decisions broke down:
•18 States (and the District of Columbia) agreed to build their own.
•7 States have opted for a partnership exchange - a model where the states and federal government work together to operate the marketplace.
•25 States that declined to participate and will therefore have federal government put in place health insurance exchanges.

Don't forget to download your Free Discount Prescription Card at www.freerxplus.com/FRP01223

We cry together

Thursday Evening !!!! Jan 3rd, 2013 [03 Jan 2013|06:58pm]

Hi !!!!

The last couple of days have been busy.

I haven't had time to do any research on healthcare. I am hoping to this weekend. Saturday here in S. Fl is suppose to rain.

If you haven't gotten your FREE card - go to: www.freerxplus.com/FRP01223

Have a good night !!!!
We cry together

March of Dimes/WalkAmerica---please donate [20 Feb 2006|11:18am]


Hey guys, I know some of you can't really afford to be giving all your money away, but I do need sponsors for this event I'm doing for March of Dimes called WalkAmerica. It's April 30th and my goal is $500 but I'm sure at this point I'm not going to be able to raise that much, but it would be nice to get close to it.

As some of you already know, both my girls were premature, Lola being born 6 weeks early (5 lbs 3 oz) and Alana being born 4 months early (1 lb 6 oz). So this is a cause pretty close to my heart and actually what inspired me to change my major to nursing.

Here is a picture of Alana a week or 2 after she was born.

She has tubes in her chest bcuz her lungs collapsed due to a heart condition called Patent Ductus Arteriosus she was born w/and shortly after had to have surgery for. By the time she was 10 months old she had had 6 surgeries, and it's possible she is having another one, which I find out about on friday. As my close friends know, she's doing a lot better now, but she's isn't going to have what most people consider a 'normal' childhood bcuz of her so-called disabilities. She's almost 2 now. The March of Dimes raises awareness of premature birth and try to educate mothers, especially young mothers, on ways to prevent having their babies so early, like how Alana was. Our case was a little luckier than others. Not every baby born at 23 weeks survives, reason why Alana is our 'miracle baby'.

The event is on April 30th, at the Virgina Beach Oceanfront. There's the option of forming a team, which I'm up for doing if anyone else wants to participate. Just let me know.

You can go to my site to sponsor me. All donations go straight to the March of Dimes. http://www.walkamerica.org/xheathercx

And please repost this so others who aren't on my friends list can see and possibly help out. Thanks. :)
We cry together

[14 Sep 2005|07:22pm]

I'm depressed that I would even think about joining this group. Have been on a tirade against my 2 teenagers - both basically great kids - for two days. I feel so miserable that I don't even feel guilty - yet. I know it will come. Nothing feels good. I feel furious and tormented and ugly and hateful and so far from myself. The weirdest thing set it off - computer, connectivity troubles - this has happened before, I don't know why I get so fucking crazy dealing with technical issues. I can't think straight or act rationally. I'm bi-polar, though it's never been diagnosed to what extent - I'm on meds, but still mess around with alcohol, pot, mushrooms - probably not so smart. Ok, stupid. Not fair to my kids. But having been a single mother for so long there are times I just snap. Don't ask me to make dinner. Don't ask me to do laundry. All the stuff I normally just 'do'. Maybe it's the beginning of the school year, having to get up again at 6, be home every night to look at homework, hear about everyone's day. I feel sapped, nothing to give, I open my mouth and rage blasts out. My thoughts are all a nasty spinning cycle of anger, not even at them - at everything. At my mother dying. Never falling in love, really, or even being able to know what that is. Allowing their father not to really support them but to spend over a decade playing 'daddy' while I pay all the bills. And fall deeper into debt. I hate my son's lethargy. I hate my daughter's perfection, that I was never like her for one day in my life, blindingly brilliant, beautiful, graceful and sharp in both body and mind. I hate that I am responsible for everyone. I hate the work I'm doing which I've loved for so many months. I hate feeling that I contribute nothing. I hate that I could even have a list of things I 'hate' when I strive so hard to kill off my dark side, as if she could ever leave me.
We cry together

revelations [25 Nov 2004|09:03am]

[ mood | pensive ]

-_- I am so dumb sometimes...

my guilt...over everything...I know now why I feel so much of it. I know it wasn't my fault, the things Mike did. I couldn't have known how bad he really was. My own Manson...sweet to the eyes and ears, but even Manson never lifted a hand to anyone. So...I know where my guilt comes from. At least now I do...

My childhood was horrible (who's wasn't?). But I vowed to never be the kind of parent mine were. I promised to be the opposite. I feel, rightly or wrongly, that I failed in keeping that promise. I exposed my children to danger. I wasn't there to protect them always. They were hurt by Mike and my relationship with him. So...I feel that as a parent I failed. I know...but I did leave, and I am protecting them now, right? But I made a promise, and I feel as if I didn't keep it. MAybe now, woth the realization of why I feel such incredible guilt always, I can begin to heal it.

I was thinking about it, because I was wondering atmy self-destructive behavior last night, and why I hate myself so much. There was a time in my life, before Mike, when I was independent, and proud, and happy. I didn't want, or wish, or hate myself.

I really think htis holiday season is bringing a lot of stuff up for me...1) because this is the exact time when Mike did all his most horrible things and changed my life into to what it is now...2)all my problems and heartbreaks with B have made me worry about my kids again...3)I went off my meds...(oops).

But...as far as my meds go....I NEVER needed them until Mike came along. I was living fine and happy and healthy. I had been left by my husband, and was depressed for quite a while after that, but I pulled through without meds, or self-mutilation, or anything like that. I was healthy.

And now....now I have dreams that keep me awake every night. Now I have hallucinations and paranoias during the day. Now I have had one psychotic episode, and been cutting on and off for 5 years. Now I am not myself anymore...

I am tired, and weepy...today is going to be a long day. I am going to my parents house, just so I won't be alone today....besides I need to get out of here.

I want to get my life back. And I will. Just not today...

We cry together

i suck as a mom [23 Nov 2004|08:18am]

[ mood | depressed ]

There has to be a better way. To do everything.

Today began crappy enough...freezing my ass off, listening to my kids complain becuase they have nothing to wear, and are cold, and tired. And how I should get a real job, and everything is my fault, and they hate it here. I snapped. And I said did you ever think maybe I hate it here to? Listening to you two whine and complain and gripe about everything and everything I do?

My daughter's room is a friggin pig sty. It always is. I don't know how to get her to clean it anymore. I have tried EVERYTHING. I have no idea why she is such a pig...my house is always fairly clean, and her dad is not a pig, at least not in the sense of cleaning.

Dylan has a mouth on him a mile wide and just as loud. His language is awful, and I don't mean just swear words...I mean in how he refers to people. He sounds just like his dad, but he barely spends time with the guy. And I can't beat him everytime he opens his mouth.

I am tired of it...I am frustrated, and out of ideas. I suck at being a parent. I totally suck. And I am tired of fighting this alone...I used to think having my kids with me meant they would at least be raised with better values. But they have picked up all their dads' values and ways anyhow. So what difference does it make anymore? All I hear is how I am so terrrible, and how they want to live with their dads'.

I don't seem to be having any major effects on them. I don't even know why I bother anymore. -_-

2 cried | We cry together

When darkness fell [18 Nov 2004|02:01pm]

[ mood | distressed ]

Lots of stuff running through my head, and I have to force myself to actually function. I want to just lay around, and not eat, and sleep. I stopped taking my meds today...they don't seem to be helping, do they? Ok, so I didn't cut, but I am not any less depressed. I am tired of feeling like I don't care anymore. And feeling fat makes me even more self-conscious. So I tend to stay home more. So it's self-defeating in that way if I take them. I do have an appointment coming up with my doc, and I remember some meds way back when that actually worked for a time...and they didn't make me fat. -_-

I am anxious, and nervous, and stressing all the time. I feel disassociated usually, like my waking life is all a dream. I know what all these signs and symptoms mean. If I didn't have my kids I would probably do nothing all day. Mostly I just sit and stare...I don't even read anymore.

So...I am making myself do things...like go to the store, get air in Dylan's bike tires, buy guinea pig food...my kids, and people in general, don't realize how hard it is for me to do this stuff. All simple, mundane, everyday stuff, and I have to force myself to do any of it. And I am uncomfortable the whole time. So I have to wonder, am I being treated for the right thing?

I was thinking today, back to a time when the kids and I were truly happy. There was a time when that was...when I had my own daycare business, and I was finally able to tell food stamps to shove it. When I made enough money to pay bills and order pizza and a movie once a week. And I could afford to buy my kids clothes. We even went to church 2 or 3 times a week. We were happy, and though the kids were much younger, even they will tell you that was the best time in our life.

Then Mike came along, and all the light disappeared. Everything changed, and it hasn't been the same since. And I don't know how to get it back, and even if I could, it's too late now for at least one of my kids.

Oh...what have I done? What have I done?

We cry together

[13 Nov 2004|09:07pm]

[ mood | calm ]

I just wanted to say, this place...www.healthyplace.com, is a super mental health resource site, providing forums, med advice, med and illness info, and a ton of other things. Check it out...

We cry together

[10 Nov 2004|11:51am]

I hate to do this, and this is in no ways a way to undermine and steal members from other communities but:

Heylo, I am a Toronto-based New Media artist who suffers from Bipolar Type II. I am collecting stories from other mental illness sufferers to be included in an installation this February 2005. If you are interested in writing about your mental illness and having it anonymously become a piece of art-installation please join at mentalmoments

Thanks for your time.
We cry together

[03 Nov 2004|05:04pm]

[ mood | curious ]

Posting this anywhere I think we can use it... http://mentalhelp.net/psyhelp/biblio/bibliog.htm

1 cried | We cry together

Ramblings of utter nonsense [26 Oct 2004|08:08am]

[ mood | stressed ]

*sigh* My kids make me so nuts. Why does everything have to be a struggle with them? They are half my stress, I know. This battle with my illness doesn't help...I know that is part of the problem...I am inconsistent with them, and I know they need consistency. And so the cycle goes round and round...

I am trying so hard to pull myself together and understand my illness, and get well. Their dads don't help. One never comes around...like, ever, and the other one just says I am a complete fruitcake and bad mouths me. My kids are 11 and 14...they need a mom who can be there for them completely. Some days I fall so short. *sigh*

And some days I am resentful. Resentful that I cannot have the time I would like to nurture only myself, and help myself...I ony have so much energy to give right now, and most days it is directed towards my children. I love my kids more than anything...but I wish, sometimes, that I could have the time I need to make myself well...to go off and find myself, or heal myself. Even going to the hospital for a weekend is a huge deal because I have the stress of finding someone to take my kids, and then I have to worry about them while they are there. *sigh*

Every morning a truancy officer and a cop have to come to my house to drag my daughter off to school. I am glad they are so kind to me and so willing to help, but I am exhausted from dealing with it. Her mood swings are 10 times worse than mine, but she will not see a doctor, or take meds. I do not know anymore what to do with her, short of sending her off to a home, or something. *sigh*

I can feel the stress building up inside, and I am worried it is gonna blow.

We cry together

Agony [25 Oct 2004|05:26pm]

[ mood | uncomfortable ]

I can feel it within me, this darkness, waiting, lurking, hiding in the shadows.
Why doesn't it just go away? Why doesn't it leave me alone? I keep myself busy...busier and busier, and still it smacks it lips, waiting for the moment to strike me down. I defy it, and it laughs at me...snickers...chuckles in hideous glee. I hate it. I want to smash it. I want to lash out at it and burn it. I despise it, and so I despise that part of me that houses it...holds it...nourishes it...why am I feeling like this? Why? Dammit all to hell...why do some get to live normally, in their happy little homes, with their happy little families and painted on smiles, while others of us must fight the darkness every time we open our eyes, and even when we close them?

I feel like I am waiting for the storm to begin.

2 cried | We cry together

...and so it goes... [24 Aug 2004|01:40pm]
[ mood | anxious ]

this depersonalized feeling seems to have come for an uninvited visit, and has chosen to stay - despite my best, physical efforts to remove it from this human temple of chaos...i've been prescribed a higher dosage of prozac (the depression just sucks - i mean, let's face it, not something most want to live with, but some don't have a choice), and higher dosage of depakote (yeah - feeling depersonalized almost ALL the time is no day at the beach)...i spoke with one of the therapists here (they are called "clinicians" - god knows why!) and he suggested some form of group therapy, and i thought to myself, "why hadn't i come up with that?" just shows to go ya...so, yeah - i get this feeling a lot - like now...i feel as if i'm being lifted out of the chair, back and up towards the ceiling and there's really nothing i can do to stop it...it leaves me feeling numb, unable to seriously concentrate on my work and when i want to type - my fingers forget where the keys are and brain lets that happen...i can deal with this while in bed reading, or trying to sleep - but when i am up, and out and about - well, my fine feathered friend, it just sucks big orange donkey dick...the thoughts of cutting come and go...there are nights when i have to "daydream" myself to sleep for it to stop...the same with wanting to go out and score some meth - all of this goes hand in hand and it's always a scary thing for me...i haven't cut since some time in june, and here i thought it'd been since march! hah! but seriously - it's been a struggle to stay clean and cut-free for all this time...there are times when i literally plan it out - only to be distracted by watching something inocuous on tv, now how's that for the "perfect drug"?...this morning i felt incredibly manic and thoughts literally ran thru my head and dizzying speeds - only to have me come crashing down while riding on the bus to work...i hope the pills take the edge off at least a little...i still have the xanax & valium - but there are times when that is not enough to bring me down...all the thoughts are still there - the desire to cut and wind up in the hospital, the urge to run off and score then stay up for nights on end just to prove a stupid ass point, and then the mania sets in, or the depression and i just want to sleep the time away...and so it goes...

We cry together

she broke down [06 Aug 2004|09:34pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

i cannot see the keys for the tears
leaving streaks down my face
my eyes frantically blink them away
and yet they continue
i want to let go
but the horrible habit of hiding continues
my eyelashes cling together
i close my eyes and see the darkness again
even a hint of light is not to be found
the tears continue
i make no sound
i feel so unworthy of them
the numbness begins to creep up into me
another familiar feeling
i welcome anything that distracts me from myself
wrapped up in a cocoon of complete sorrow
i don't know where to go and what to do
what i want to do is self destruct
and yet i feel that is happening slowly from within
the tears stop and go
i breathe deeply and feel them build again
the feeling of not being here
of not feeling whole is horrible
looking up and away from myself
i am scared
i cannot control this
it controls me
the pills don't work
where do i begin and where does this end
emotions cover me like a tidal wave
and i have no place to hide

We cry together

who's to say for sure [06 Aug 2004|08:53pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

feeling this come upon once again
i do little to stop it
medicating myself -
the feelings worsen with each pill
thinking something - anything - will stave off the darkness
i am wrong
and it comes at me
like an embrace from an uncle you don't like
i make feeble attempts to struggle
knowing it's of no use
and i am swept into the arms of internal pain
lying, and saying i am fine
i think to myself that sleep is the escape
it finds me there and shows no mercy
i waken in a cold sweat
even the quilt upon my bed gives me no warmth
sometimes i want to believe it will go away
then realize the depths of my own darkness
knowing light does not penetrate it
and i feel forever lost

We cry together

she's a brick and i'm drowning slowly [06 Aug 2004|08:38pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

the images stay in my head
the emptiness envelopes me
and i know this feeling all too well
i feel the lonliness thru the words
i see the despair in the pictures
and i am pained thru and thru
this familiarity is not welcome
nor has it ever been
and yet it comes again and again
i find myself giving up
i know this is a continuing battle
and it makes me weary
the heaviness weighs upon me
it drags me down, lower than before
i stumble, and fall
emotions bubble to the surface
as a if a boiling pot of something
somethings that reeks of sorrow
i cannot see myself as the same
as the person once before
i have become someone else
the mirror shows the facade
the one everyone sees
but not what is hidden beneath
i clear my throat
to clear the pain
and swallow the lump that never goes down
i don't recognize myself
i see my face
and yet, i see nothing

We cry together

hey [23 Jul 2004|02:17pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

i feel as if i am being pulled back, out and up...as if i can see myself here and now...it's not a pleasant feeling, nor one that is easy to control...this has been happening with more and more frequency and i don't like it..i feel as if one day it is not going to stop...then all senses will cease to be and i will be no more...
this overwhelming feeling of being non-existant feels so real that it's more than just scary...
i want to stop therapy completely...no one can make me continue...no one but me...
talking and thinking drain me...my head fills with the desire to scream and not stop and i want to sleep forever and a day...
i feel as if i am being hit from all sides and i can't seem to find the strength to stand up and take it anymore...it's internal and external and painful...
jesus loves me, this i know, for the bible tells me so...well, i know all that - i just wonder why i don't feel the need to pray anymore about anything...that bothers me...
like the man in the icon - i just want to walk away from all of this....

2 cried | We cry together

hello [15 Jul 2004|02:47pm]
[ mood | awake ]

i ran out of prozac - tho' it's a low dose (10 mg), yet the manic depression has reared its ugly head...there are times during the day when i want to do everything and anything...then the thought of leaving the house drives me to my room and to lay on my bed and just read...when i get home from work, i don't want to leave anymore and this makes it difficult, as when my son works graveyard - i have to get up again take him to work by 11pm, then arise early and get him at 7am. this is something i force myself to do...i am still taking the depakote - which has been helping...the odd thing is - when i take a xanax and valium at nite to sleep (one of each, please) - i wake at 5am and can't get back to sleep...odd, that...i want to continue to feel good about life, however there are times when i seem and strongly feel as if i am going thru the motions just to get to the next day.

We cry together

Happy Mother's Day, LJ Moms! [09 May 2004|11:43am]

[ mood | motherly ]

X Posted from my Personal Journal:


Here is a Mother's Day Card For You:

Click here if you are a Mom


I received the following in an email and I thought I'd share it here, since I don't do the forwarding thing. It is a bit long, but I thought it was worth it.

This Is For You, MothersCollapse )

Happy Mother's Day!

We cry together

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