Lots of stuff running through my head, and I have to force myself to actually function. I want to just lay around, and not eat, and sleep. I stopped taking my meds today...they don't seem to be helping, do they? Ok, so I didn't cut, but I am not any less depressed. I am tired of feeling like I don't care anymore. And feeling fat makes me even more self-conscious. So I tend to stay home more. So it's self-defeating in that way if I take them. I do have an appointment coming up with my doc, and I remember some meds way back when that actually worked for a time...and they didn't make me fat. -_-
I am anxious, and nervous, and stressing all the time. I feel disassociated usually, like my waking life is all a dream. I know what all these signs and symptoms mean. If I didn't have my kids I would probably do nothing all day. Mostly I just sit and stare...I don't even read anymore.
So...I am making myself do things...like go to the store, get air in Dylan's bike tires, buy guinea pig food...my kids, and people in general, don't realize how hard it is for me to do this stuff. All simple, mundane, everyday stuff, and I have to force myself to do any of it. And I am uncomfortable the whole time. So I have to wonder, am I being treated for the right thing?
I was thinking today, back to a time when the kids and I were truly happy. There was a time when that was...when I had my own daycare business, and I was finally able to tell food stamps to shove it. When I made enough money to pay bills and order pizza and a movie once a week. And I could afford to buy my kids clothes. We even went to church 2 or 3 times a week. We were happy, and though the kids were much younger, even they will tell you that was the best time in our life.
Then Mike came along, and all the light disappeared. Everything changed, and it hasn't been the same since. And I don't know how to get it back, and even if I could, it's too late now for at least one of my kids.
Oh...what have I done? What have I done?